beckie0:

When you are depressed on Flickr.

Taken on my 19th Birthday:

When you are depressed:

you lock yourself away

you throw things

you destroy everything in sight

you cry endlessly

you can’t calm down

you don’t eat

then you eat whatever you can find

you shout at the world

you vent on the internet, because no one around you is listening

you lash out at everyone, regardless of who they are or how helpful they are

you scream at the top of your lungs

you shut the world out

you rant about society

you work yourself up and up and up

you reflect on the past

you get angry at past relationships

you want a cuddle/spoon

you get upset over the fact you are alone/single

you curse

you don’t do anything - pleasurable or work, nothing

you can’t concentrate

you think about suicide

you act abnormally

you hurt yourself

you find bruises/cuts/marks on your body - but can’t recall where from

you have moments of exhaustion and fall asleep

—-

But I’m more than depressed.

i, more often than not, question my reason for being alive.
& i, more often than not, find no reason to be here anymore.
what’s the fucking point anyway ? everyone will always lie & disappoint you & betray you & only care about themselves.
no one gives a fuck about what anyone else does. no one gives a shit about anything except themselves. we’re all selfish in one way or another.
i would give up everything just to be with him because he makes me happy. nothing else does. no amount of schooling, or money or materialism or make-up or exercise makes me glow inside the way he does/did (i can’t decide). i never understood what it meant to love someone. until he came into my life & i fucking sometimes wish he never did. because this heartache is the worst pain i have ever felt & i would never wish it on even my worst enemy.
sometimes i would rather have not known or met him at all, that way i wouldn’t know what it felt like to love & lose that love. right now i’d still be wondering if the one even existed. instead, i’m stuck knowing he exists but knowing that he can leave in an instant.
everything ends & nothing is for sure, even when they promise you the world. even when they promise you their heart & soul & assure you that you’re never going to lose them. they all lie. because they’re selfish & don’t give a damn about the other person.
i believed in our love & that it could conquer anything. i believed he was the one & that when he said i was the love of his life, he meant it. i was extremely fooled.
why fucking tell someone these things if you don’t even mean it in the first place; or why tell someone these things if you’re not going to keep your fucking word !?
why would you tell someone something that means the entire world to them only to break them down & hurt them later on ?
don’t ever say shit you don’t mean. don’t ever say shit if you’re second guessing things.
don’t ever say shit if everyone else can influence you otherwise in a heartbeat as if that special person never even meant anything to you.

i have borderline personality disorder, trichtillomania, depression & anxiety. i’ve been trying to help myself but most of the time it feels like i’ve reached a dead end & like there’s absolutely nothing left.
why is someone going to ever want someone like me ? with all these issues & shit ?
no one even understands, & being misunderstood is worse than not knowing.
maybe it’s time to just fucking give up.
there’s no one at the other end. there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

i’m a fucked up mess.
i don’t even know what the fuck i’m doing.

someone tell me how i let my life get this bad again.
i’m lonely & alone. everything fucking sucks.
i need to go away & check myself in somewhere but even that is a sucky & difficult process.
i just want to get better.
i want to be happy again.
i want to be with him again.
i want to be with him & happy again. he made me happy.
he made me strong. he was the reason i loved life.

okay i need money quick in 2 days.
so i don’t have to resort to prostitution or stripping, someone give me something to work with so i can make money !

okay, attention kika’s tumblr readers (if i even have any) hahah
i have an extra ticket to go see gavin degraw at jimmy kimmel live, who’s down to go with ?!?!

who wants to hang out today ?!
i’m bored & actually have free time ! hahah

i just graduated today, thank you very much !!!!
now i can sign my name, Kika Francoo, B.A Psychology
hahahahhaha i’m not even sure if that’s right but whatev



hey, you might not think it’s a big deal, but *i do* :)

i’m still fucking in love with him, fuck.

in other news, i had a job interview today, & i find out tomorrow if it will/will not be my first job right out of college, after graduation !!
one more paper left, & then i can begin to accept that graduation is on mondayyyyy !!!! holy shiiiiitt

i still want to be with him wtfffff

hmm. i also might start making youtube videos ? lol idk thought.
i’m scatter-brained at the moment

..i wish he could see me like beforeb